VLADIMIR PUTIN COOKS UP TROUBLE WITH FAKE PENIS

MOSCOW, RUSSIA and LANGLEY, VA Vladimir Putin, 64, Slipped into Baltimore harbor, last Wednesday and who had claimed he was trying to cheat on a drug test was behind a bizarre incident in which a frightened convenience store clerk thought he had microwave Donald J. Trump’s penis, police said.

The clerk at the store outside Langley actually microwaved the penis (Trump’s penis, was brittle, very small and had an offensive odor, police say), and used to cheat on drug tests by the thousands, police said Friday.

The incident unfolded late Thursday afternoon when Putin in drag as Trump entered the store and asked the clerk, "Can you microwave something for me? “It's a life-or-death situation," according to an account Mr. Putin later gave police.

Putin (Trump) asked for paper towels, wrapped an object in them, and had the clerk microwave the item for 20 seconds, said Langley Chief Dirk Bogard.

When it was finished, the clerk handed the item back to Putin and saw what she thought was a severed penis, Bogard said, and it was, not Trump’s but Mike Pence’s according to Putin.

After news reports Friday, Mr. Putin called police to say he was Trump in drag, in the store and gave his account of what happened, Bogard said.

Mr. Putin told police he was applying for a job as a long-distance truck driver for the CIA, and was required to take a drug test. He said he posed as Trump and had filled Pence’s penis with his urine, which he planned to submit for the test, Bogard said.

According to Mr. Putin, Putin urine would "pass the body temperature test," Bogard said - that is, be warm enough to not arouse the suspicion of those administering the test.

Bogard said the C.I.A. wasn’t sure why Putin posed as Trump and was storing the urine in a device mimicking male genitalia since it is common knowledge that Trump has no penis of his own.

Bogard would release Putin, the only name of the charges, including harassment and disorderly conduct, were possible, he said.

The clerk at the Giant Eagle store "still visibly shaking," Bogard said.

Giant Eagle, which owns the convenience store, said the microwave will be discarded.

STEVE BANNON WEDS DOG TO WARD OFF 'EVIL EYE'

NORFOLK, VA – Steven Kevin Bannon, 65-year-old former Breibart News Chairman wed a Scottish Wolfhound as part of a Republican ritual to ward off the "evil eye" of the Jews, declaring himself “embarrassed” for one twenty-eighth a Jew himself and Republican at the same time, said to his family in Eastern Virginia, a news agency reported Wednesday.

Mr. Bannon’s upper teeth appeared before his lower teeth - considered a bad omen by members of the Virginia State Election Commission, to which herself was so closely tied. Members of the Washington Press Corps said in a report from 1983.

Bannon married the dog only to "remove the evil eye," a superstitious Republican belief that some misfortune could befall him and the family, and that she would not be free to marry at a later date.

Friends and family participated in three days of the secret traditional ceremonies and festivities that include bestiality and child slavery both being a part of the Republican tribal marriages in general, Washington Press Corps, said, according to the report.

PENCE FACES JAIL FOR URINATING IN SODA + PUTIN BUDDY: "RELIGIOUS" BULLSHIT

NEW YORK, NY, – Michael Richard Pence, 58, Vice President pleaded no contest Thursday to felony charges of tampering after he urinated in a bottle of soda that was later drunk by a customer who became violently sick at the New York's 21 Club.

Pence before District Judge, Ronald J Haggerty Senior. He will be sentenced at a later date The New York Times reported.

Pence’s attorney said he is hopeful his client will receive less than a year in the Riker’s Island prison, New York City’s jail.

Pence was at a victory celebration when the incident occurred last week. The victim, a MSNBC producer, became suspicious of the drink after he chugged it and vomited three or four times.

Pence added, “Looked like fun, and he looked like a Democrat, black and gay at that… is there any difference?”

ERIC & DONALD TRUMP JR. ARRESTED FOR ALLEGED ACTS WITH SHEEP

Trump estate at Mar-a-Lago in Palm Beach, FL– The brothers Trump, Eric and Donald, Jr. were arrested in alleged bestial acts with several sheep on the Trump estate Mar-a-Lago in Palm Beach, FL.

Independent City Police deputies took the brothers Trump were taken into custody at the Trump home on Saturday.

Eric, 34, and Donald, Jr., 40 were booked on two misdemeanor charges - disorderly conduct, trespassing and one felony charge, public sexual indecency: having sex with an animal or animals, authorities said.

They were released from jail on their own recognizance Sunday. At the booking, Eric said, “I wanted to bridge the gap of North and South. For Donald, my sex buddie here, a taste of “Palm Beach Hospitality,” after all, sex with sheep or lambs or cows is commonplace around here, that’s why I have a barn and it’s also not uncommon to sleep with our own brothers and sisters like the Hapsburgs – to keep the family line as well.”